I'll Fix it.

I have to fix it. I think this is a gene or cell I was born with. Maybe you can relate. When I was growing up, I fixed mud pies in coke caps and baked them in the sun on a rock. Growing up as an only child, I fixed my feelings of loneliness with Hershey's chocolate bars and those little bottles of coke which were to available. My teenage years well, I fixed them with cute clothes and not so cute boys. Everything I did seemed for the moment, to fix whatever I was feeling or going through. But wait a minute, I was headed for the finale. A better word would be disaster.

When were are little girls we read all the stories of happily ever after. But what about reality? When all you have thought about growing up was marrying someone who would love you forever and ever. You tend to be looking for that in every man who walks down the street. So for me it was someone who saw my eighteen year old venerability and jumped on it. He was ten years older than me, been married before and he was a swoozer, a taker, a silver tongued devil. But more than that he was an abuser. He raged, hit me and said ugly things which sometimes were worse than the slaps or fists. For you who have never been abused, it is hard to understand why I stayed six years. Why I took it from him? Why I just did not leave? Well, here is the answer to those questions. In my little immature mind and heart, I loved him. Actually, I loved the idea of being married. I was not alone physically but emotionally I was all by myself. Eventually, I ran of any reason, hope or guts to stay. But not without spending most of that six years trying to fix him. He was harder than any mud pie I ever mixed up and more bitter than any chocolate bar or coke I tasted.

So I fixed what I thought was the problem. I got a divorce. But with two little girls, no child or emotional support, lonely and hurting, I fixed what I could. I fixed the Barbie doll leg which had come off. I fixed the tangled the necklace. I even fixed the ugliness of people who looked down on me because I was divorced and my children whose dad was not present. I fixed it with plastic money because there was no real money I told myself at the end of the month when the bill came: "It's okay. We are okay. Look I fixed it." The only thing was, $80,000 later, we were still hurting and broken. But I was determined to fix it.

This is just the tip of the ice burg. I hope you can see how I was stuck in trying to fix it. It has taken many, many years to realize only Jesus can fix it. He is the fix. I wish I had know that sooner. I wish I could have understood the grace, mercy and love of God. But then I could not testify to you about it. Maybe this will help someone today to see how deceived we can become to think we can fix things which belong to God. Please, apply His grace today. Don't wait, telling yourself you can fix it. It is grace, Gods grace applied to the person, place or the emergency. After all, it's not mud pies or missing Barbie doll legs, it's the life God has given to you, His grace applied.